Starting anew...

With the start of a new quarter I am making the decision to continue on with my blog here but from now on it will be (mostly) non-academic. This is just a place for me to spill my guts (without any actual blood and guts). I just have a lot to say, there's a lot on my mind and I think that my horse is sick of hearing it all.

I had a big developement last night. Quintin and I have been talking very seriously about what our future looks like and it seems to be that both us a very open to the idea of getting engaged within the not-too-distant future. He actually told me that when he was in his last segment at boot camp he had actually thought through some ways to ask me to marry him. (!!!????!!!!!) I never thought that I would be the kind of girl who got butterflies when she heard that kind of stuff...but last night when I was laying in bed I was totally head-over-heels!

This is a real possibility (oxymoron?). I may have found that "one." He makes me so incredibly happy and I have literally never felt so complete. I can't even imagine being with someone else. The sound of his voice makes anything better. I still have so much to do, explore, and learn...some of that he will be a part of and some of it he will act as background support for. I just can't wait for our life to start--together.

I spent two days with him in South Carolina and only had limited one-on-one time with him, but just that brief amount of time with him back in my life totally refreshed me. I didn't realize how I had totally crawled back inside myself and started shutting everything else out. He brought me back though. He was just what I needed.

I am so in love with a boy. Who woulda thought?

This was a start. I will be getting deeper...don't worry.

Our persevering roots...

Wow what a whirlwind of a quarter this has been! There was a lot of planning, a lot of failed plans, lots of ideas that had to get reworked, and just a lot of chaos in general. But, Hey!, that's the American way right?

I love that this quarter ended with spring...no, not only because of the sunshine and warm breezes (though those do help!), but because I feel like I have such a fresh perspective on everything now. You know your an English major if...you can relate every single thing that happens on any given day back to a book you recently read. Seriously, I feel like there isn't a day that I don't reflect back to something we covered this quarter. When I ask myself why this is, it's simple: because these readings are our roots. What we delved into this quarter was the beginning of it all. The way we are today, the way we act, and react, and feel, think is all a direct result of the issues and ideas that are at the core of all this literature. That's pretty, genuinely awesome. I have never quite felt the kind of direct connection to literature as a whole in a single class as I have this quarter. I mean, yes, there are books and poetry that speak to me on far more levels than some of this work did, but as an entire unit over the course of two weeks...I am almost taken aback by it now that I am really reflecting.

This quarter has given me profound understanding.

Now where did we start? At the beginning would make sense...so, ahh, Mr. Mather and his witches...

What did I learn about my current American perspective?
We,as a culture, are still scared of anything that doesn't make sense. We would much rather classify and degrade those who are different or even odd than actually deal with what may or may not be going on. We still, to this day, try to separate ourselves from anything that may seem out of the ordinary. Do we still see the body as a register/barometer for evil? Yes, though I don't think we attribute it to "evil" anymore necessarily. We still resort back to these deep-seeded roots of resentment towards anything we don't have a firm understanding of.

Quote I'll take with me:
"Alas, the Philistines, of Hell have cut our locks for us, they then blind us, mock us, ruin us: In truth, I cannot altogether blame it, if People are a little transported, when they conceive all the secular interests of themselves and their families at stake; and yet at the sight of these Heartburnings, I cannot forbear the Exclamation of the Sweet-spirited"

Next: Young Goodman Brown

What did I learn about my current American perspective?
I think that most have become very transient with their faith. Goodman walked into the forest knowing the temptation and evil that it (supposedly) possessed. He walked out on his faith yet when he needed to recover from the experience he had he returned to his faith. I am not a religious person but it frustrates me to no end when people pick and choose which situations they will approach as a spiritual person. In the Catholic Church sin flies around like it's nothing, but as long as you go say a few "Hail Marys" and put on a good act of apology for your priest then everything is magically A-OK...How does that make any sense? People today are just as quick to re-assume their faith as they were to write it off in the first place, and it's all situational. Did Young Goodman Brown start it all?

Love this last part:
"A stern, a sad, a darkly meditative, a distrustful, if not a desperate, man did he become from the night of that fearful dream. On the Sabbath day, when the congregation were singing a holy psalm, he could not listen because another anthem of sin rushed loudly upon his ear and drowned all the blessed strain"

That then leads us to: Women's Indian Captivity Narratives--Mary Rowlandson.

What kind of perspective did this give me on our modern American culture?
In class we discussed the hypothetical/philosphical question of what a combined Indian/ Puritan belief system would have looked like had the Indians and Puritans gotten along and I think that the beautiful thing is that now that sort of thing does exist in this country. Sure there are still people getting belittled and picked on but that will happen anywhere. For the most part, here in America, you can feel free to be the person you want to be, whoever and whatever that is. It was a long time coming from where we started but we have made it.
Also, I couldn't help but think about our culture's obsession with white women's captivity. It is a story that we can't get enough of to this day...Silence of the Lambs, Law and Order: SVU, Taken, it is everywhere in pop culture and Rowlandson was really the first woman to come out with this sort of story. Do you think she knew she have such a groundbreaking idea?

Quote to take with me:
"This sight was enough to melt a heart of flint"--I just think that is so beautiful and gives such context to her situation.

"I had taken two or three pipes and was presently ready for another"--I really liked this scene as a whole because it brought humanity to the Indians that have been portrayed as such savages and also seemed to bring a little light to the situation.



After that we read: The Conquest of New Spain

Current culture insights:
Desire.For.Domination. It is still so alive in this culture today, as we saw with the wrestling movie. Men still have this incredible need to be the biggest and the best, to overcome and conquer and we, as women, tend to feed the viscious cycle. I'll be the first to admit, I adore my boyfriend for his big, muscley arms and for the fact that he is in the army and plays football. That's what every classic American girl wants right? Why? Nowadays, it is a hard question for us to answer but I think anymore there isn't an answer directly relating to the current status...it all goes back to our roots. This is a mindset that has been passed down and manipulated from generation to generation. I'm amazed that it hasn't spiraled completely out of control yet (or maybe it has).

Quote:
All the description in the narrative was so, so beautiful! But I loved this description of gunshots and the apparent deceit:
"For they told him we shot out flashes of lightning, and killed many Indians with our horses, and that we were angry Tueles, and other such childish stories. But now that he had seen us, he knew that we were of flesh and blood and very intelligent, also very brave. Therefore, he had a far greater esteem for us than the reports had given him, and would share with us what he had."

Also, not from the book but it was said that Cortes asked Montezuma if they had any more gold because he and his men "had a sickness of the heart which could only be cured by gold"--talk about laying the greed on thick...I will remember that forever...

On to...The Coquette!

Cultural connection:
Females in today's society seem to be plagued with an inability to find a suitable mate, hence half of all marriages end in divorce. How sad is that? Can we never learn? Or has Eliza's mindset grown and mutated over the generations causing and entire population of women with an inability to make a wise decision? Maybe I'm being a little too harsh and a little too broad...but still the stats exist and prove that we as a culture have become completely incapable of finding suitable mates.

Quotes:
"I am young, gay, volatile."

"Sometimes I think of becoming a predestinarian, and submitting implicitly to fate, without any exercise of free will; but as mine seems to be a wayward one, I would counteract the operations of it, if possible"

Week 6 Brought us Thoreau and Emerson and unfortunately I don't think we see any more than brief glimpses of them in certain people in our current day. We live in a culture of people who all think they are thinking for themselves, but when reality strikes the truth is that each and every one of our opinions is very guided through channels that we don't even realize most of the time. "Let yourself be a counterfriction to the machine" is something I think that a lot of us would love to embrace, but none of us, likely, will have the guts to actually do it. It's far easier to fall into line and besides, we're too busy to make plans to stir things up anyways....

As for my slave girl friend Linda...
Connection to today:
I think that in its very base form we can find the largest connection to be FREEDOM! So many worked so hard to get it and we do take it for granted in the modern day, but it is also something we take advantage of each and every single waking (and sleeping for that matter) hour. I think that in the hustle and bustle of the every day we forget about our freedoms but when it comes down to it if you were doing street interviews and asking, "What is the best thing that we have in America?" I guarantee you most everyone would say "freedom." It is ingrained into us, it is what we are passionate about.

Quote to forever hold...
"Why does the slave ever love? Why allow the tendrils of the heart to twine around objects which may at any moment be wretched away by the hand of violence?"--heartbreaking...

In the Heart of the Sea--
brings us back to the idea of dominance and conquest that is still alive and breeding in our culture. However, this story brings to life the risk and the affliction. This is something that is not integrated into our culture anymore and if it is we seem to be used to/immune to it. The sad thing is that even though we can hear these tales and feel this pain with these men, it still will never curb the appeal of this core form of masculinity...sadly enough.

I will never forget...
"began by removing the most obvious signs of the corpse's humanity"--gut-wrenching...

O POE...
Current day connection:
We love the dark and the gothic and although we have modernized these sorts of things in various ways it all comes back to Poe. Today we also hear far too often about love becoming an obsessive, consumptive force...there are so many stalking issues, and rapes, and murders that have to do with this force that it's almost sickening. And to think that Poe was the one who tapped into it all first!

Before Reading Ligeia I had no idea that Poe could write to beautifully...too bad it was obsessively driven...

Line to remember..."Misery is manifold"

DICKINSON!
My love! My heart belongs to Emily! JK! but not really...

Connections:
We spent a lot of class time looking into who Emily was as a person and we were very critical of her lifestyle, as many have been. Maybe she was one of the visionaries for this type of lifestyle, however, today it is very commonplace to most creative people to be at least somewhat seclusive if not completely. In solitude I think many find their purest thoughts and in that I see Emily's way still being alive today...

Forever and ever..."We are the only poets and every one else is prose"...


This is what I will take with me...and with this I feel content. I have learned so much and will continuously refer back to these stories, to our roots, for reference and inspiration. Thanks so much for everything!

Back on Track with Dickinson Week 10

Emily Dickinson is my soft spot, she makes me melt.
"We are the only poets and every one else is prose" from "Open Me Carefully"...how can that not just totally send you into a whole other realm?! I love it! I love it! I love it!


Emily's poetry is poetry of shadow and difficulty but also of will and self-reliance. I found it incredibly interesting that her copy of Emerson's "Self-Reliance" is still in existence and that out of all the passages she could have underlined, "my life is for itself and not spectacle" and "what I must do is all that concerns me, not what people think" were the two she chose to distinguish.

In class we described Emily as "deeply dysfunctional" and I can't say that I really agree. I think that Emily was not comfortable in the situation that she was brought up into and quite frankly I think that a family of lawyers and nights filled with dinner parties and other social events would probably send me into seclusion too. There are lots of people who find comfort in solitude, nowadays they live out in the wilderness of Oregon or the desert of Arizona but they exist nonetheless. I can't say that some of my most profoundly happy moments are when I'm completely alone. So why are we so hard on Emily. I don't quite understand it...lots and lots of creative people tend to spend great quantities of time in seclusion. Are we tough on her because in her time her behavior was generally unacceptable? Because she chose not to rise to the social occasion of her status? or simply because she had such a strong, vivid voice that we must find some way to rationalize it all?

Speaking of rationalizing...we also spoke of Emily's seemingly bipolar relationship with love in class and I am going to rationalize it by saying that many times we live in memories. I know that I do it on a regular basis. Emily we know had been hurt before. I have been hurt before. But she was also very hopeful (In fact her poem "Hope is the thing with feathers/that perches on the soul/ and sings the tune without the words/ and never stops--at all-" is my absolute favorite!)I think we have all been in the situation when we are sitting alone with our thoughts and they take us back to a certain time and place and we feel as though we are completely immersed. When you do "snap" out of it, the feeling is incredible. This is how I imagine Emily being. Only she had the ability to put quill to parchment when she was in her "trance". Therefore, when she was in a darker memory, her poetry reflected it and vis-versa. We all have moods and certain things that inspire us. Again, why are we so hard on her?

She is beyond brilliant and I think that we should absolutely keep looking deeply into her writing but should be a little more sympathetic to her situation. I really believe she wasn't as "loony" as everyone thinks she was.

My faves:

Wherever runs the breathless sun-
Wherever roams the day-
There is its noiseless onset-
There is its Victory!
Behold the keenest marksman!
The most accomplished shot!
Time's sublimest target
Is a soul "forgot!"



When Roses cease to bloom, Sir,
And Violets are done-
When Bumblebees in solemn flight
Have passed beyond the sun-
The hand that paused to gather
Upon this Summer's day
Will idle lie - in Auburn-
Then take my flowers- Pray!


I held a Jewel in my fingers-
And went to sleep-
The day was warm, and winds were prosy-
And I said "'Twill keep"-

I woke - and child my honest fingers,
The Gem was gone-
And now, an Amethyst remembrance
Is all I own-


If you were coming in the Fall,
I'd brush the Summer by
With half a smile, and half a spurn,
As housewives do, a Fly.

If I could see you in a year,
I'd wind the months in balls-
And put them each in separate Drawers,
For fear the numbers fuse-

If only Centuries, delayed,
I'd count them on my Hand,
Subtracting, till my fingers dropped
Into Van Dieman's Land.

If certain, when this life was out-
That yours and mine, should be
I'd toss it yonder, like a Rind,
and take Eternity-

But, now, uncertain of the length
Of this, that is between,
It goads me, like the Goblin Bee-
That will not state - its sting.

There are o' so many more, but I must keep this somewhat brief! It's been a wonderful week!

Catching Up! Week 5

Okay so I'm going to begin by making what may seem to be an off-the-wall personal connection but it must be made for my own sake because, for me, the timing couldn't be more perfect.
I have a confession to make...I am in love with someone other than my betrothed... she may be a horse named Coquette, but I am madly in love with her and would give up anything, including Quintin and my baby Benjamin (also a horse lol), to have her be mine. We met once, but I have had eyes only for her ever since and I can't help but think of the happiness we could have together. Quintin and Ben are safe, good men, they really are but I love the mystery she possesses and I am overcome with desire for her.


How'd I do? A little over the top? Well, it was worth a try... (I do love her though, she is damn good-lookin')

Back on track now...The Coquette is totally classic (which is probably why it remained in print for more than 100 years straight after its publishing). It is the tale that women love to read and sentimentalize with. Some women, actually I would go as far as to say many women, have lived through these same tribulations and have been pestered with the question of fiery, wild and unpredictable or safe and a little bland?

In class we made connections to the movie "The Patriot," which gave us a really good insight into what the mindset of the period was like. Americans were no longer dealing with questions of faith but now, rather, those of freedom. Thomas Hutchinson said, "A thirst for liberty characterizes this people" and I think that can be easily seen in The Coquette.

This is one of the first narratives that was released having to do with a woman making her own decisions and offered a really fresh portrayal of the contrast between social conformity and individualism. At this time Americans were just beginning to get a taste of what individualism was and therefore this novel speaks incredibly well to the idealism of the country as a whole.

Eliza's decision was simple in nature: passion vs. reason. However, it is a tragic question in the sense that many in the past have fallen victim to making the wrong decision. But I must take a moment and ask...are both decisions doomed? Both Boyer and Sanford are deliberately flat characters. Although, there is nothing radical or revolutionary in choosing Boyer there really isn't anything incredibly beneficial about the decision to choose Sanford either, he is deficient of virtue, corrupt, predatory, fiercely (if not brutally) self-interested, and he capitalizes on the ways that he is associated with the taboo (all characteristics that we discussed in class). If she were to choose Boyer we, I think, would be right to presume that she would be bored and disinterested with her life and be constantly tempted to stray from her marriage. However, with a choice of Sanford we can also presume that Eliza would long for a stable life built on commitment rather than passion. The right answer would be to find a happy medium...but does that really exist?

Kailey, the optimist, who is currently is in a healthy relationship, would say yes. However, the skies aren't always quite so blue. When we descend from a dreamworld and come back to reality it is apparent that "happy mediums" don't come easily, but are rather slowly accomplished based on the compromises of each party. But, alas, we must re-center ourselves and keep in mind the time period in question. This was a time of revolution! Therefore, of course Eliza had to make the daring decision...otherwise this novel wouldn't have fit very well into the historical slot that we needed it to fill. So, what did she do? Choose Sanford. Who had already moved on to another woman. Sad. But then what should her next move be? Settle for second best of course. But, guess what, Boyer had already beaten her to that idea. In the end she is alone.

It's a good thing that our daring, passionate country didn't end up with the same fate when it decided to make a bold move.

Sadly, this seduction narrative becomes an iconic representation of the fallen woman. However, it leaves us with a classic tragedy, riddled with the passion of the time period, that can serve as a lesson to be learned for many women out there. Though I do think that Tough Love with Steve Ward on Vh1 is near equally as entertaining and enlightening.

In the end, I think I will take the advice with me that when in doubt make a bold move but don't be disappointed if you end up in a beige world either--it's better than a pit of despair.

Faves:
"The heart of your friend is again besieged. Whether it will surrender to its assailants or not, I am unable at present to determine. Sometimes I think of becoming a predestinarian, and submitting implicitly to fate, without any exercise of free will; but as mine seems to be a wayward one, I would counteract the operations of it, if possible" (24)--this gives us a really great insight into not only Eliza's wit and intelligence but also her passion.

"While, therefore, I receive your visits, and cultivate towards you sentiments of friendship and esteem, I would not have you consider me as confined to your society, or obligated to a future connection" (29).

"O, I have another plan in my head; a plan of necessity, which, you know, is the mother of invention" (34)

"I do not plan to give my hand to any man at present. I have but lately entered society; and wish, for awhile, to enjoy my freedom, in the participation of pleasures, suited to my age and sex" (50).

"Beware of the delusions of fancy!" (57) --foreshadowing much?

Catch-up! Week 2

Nathaniel Hawthorne was a troubled spirit. He lived with a family curse burdening his everyday and it is easy to see that he worked through many of the wretches that haunted him within his writing. The evening that I sat down to read Young Goodman Brown I happened to have the travel channel on for background noise and couldn't help but pay attention to the fact that the scheduled show was covering the "World Creepiest Destinations" and the world famous Winchester Mystery House was in the number one spot. I thought that it was an odd connection once I came to class and learned about the Hawthorne family history. It just so happens that Sarah Winchester was also haunted by a family curse, in fact it is said that she became so possessed by the souls that had been slain by the infamous Winchester Rifle (the sake to all the families money) that she started building this maze of a house to try to confuse them and keep them away from her. In the 38 years leading up to her death she had carpenters working around the clock creating staircases leading to the ceiling and doorways that opened to nowhere. Creepy huh? So Sarah spend $5.5 million building a mystery house and Nathaniel wrote stories. I think I'd be more comfortable sitting in a room with Hawthorne. This whole Winchester thing kinda creeps me out! A cool connection nonetheless.

Anyways, getting back on track towards "Young Goodman Brown"...This story plays with the Puritan conception of the wilderness as the Devil's playground. The Puritans believed that the forest had alluded God's hand and was never domesticated. Therefore, when venturing into this sort of place no one was immune. Brown's Faith, yes, his wife, what did you think I was referring to? Asked him to stay awhile longer on her behalf. But wait...what if Hawthorne is playing a bit with his words here? Do you think he dare do such a thing? If he meant faith in the religious sense then does that mean that Brown's "faith" knew that he would be tested beyond his limits on this night as he ventures into the darkness...of the forest? Hmmmm....

Even as Brown enters the woods he asks himself, "What if the devil himself should be at my very elbow?" Yes,what if? Yet, he continues forth. A few pages further we find Mr. Hawthorne playing with his words again "What if a wretched old woman do choose when I thought she was going to heaven: is that any reason why I should quit my dear Faith and go any farther?" Would he really be loosing sight of his wife if he went further? or would he be testing his religion? Better yet, a few moments after asking himself this question he sees his minister and deacon on horseback jogging through the woods. I am "tempted" to think that this is Hawthorne's representation of how he sees the devil's temptation. Then Goodman goes on to say "With Heaven above and Faith below, I will yet stand firm against the devil!"...but wait Mr. Brown...what good is it to stand firm against the devil when your Faith has already gone down below? I mean that is what you subconsciously said...right?

Well, as the story progresses the "faith" wordplay continues and Hawthorne even throws in zingers like "humanize" which sounds an awful lot like "human eyes." Brown is overcome with all sorts of images and feelings (Hawthorne doesn't hold back here)and we are left to ask what the scariest thing in the forest was that night, could it have been Goodman Brown himself? and he does choose his Faith in the end right? I mean can you ignore your faith one moment and then take it back? Kudos Hawthorne, kudos. You will leave us wondering for a long time. Which is maybe your way of getting rid of your own monsters...by letting them loose on others...


My favorite quote: (other than all the Faith wordplay)
"A stern, a sad, a darkly meditative, a distrustful, if not a desperate man did he become from the night of that fearful dream. On the Sabbath day, when the congregation we singing a holy psalm, he could no listen, because an anthem of sin rushed loudly upon his ear and drowned all the blessed strain."

Is it really Week 9 already?!

As I sit here to work out my thoughts I have the Oscars on in the background and couldn't help but find it a little spooky that the Oscars just presented a "mash-up" if you will as a tribute to horror films AND this week we studied the man of horror himself. Poe was the one to start it all, in America at least, and the "Fall of the House of Usher" was one of the very first horror films ever made (dating back to 1928). What are the chances? Although, Poe is the master of the dark and austere I would like to work through my surprises this week...which was really one main surprise I suppose--the fact that Poe can write beautifully stunning love narratives. Now, by no means do I think that he needs to change his last to Austen or Bronte but I can honestly say old Ed sure threw me for a bit of a loop. Now, of course his "love stories" ( a term that I will cautiously use out of respect for Ed's primary image)are complete with the typical Poe paraphernalia but I will give credit where credit it due and within the pages of Ligeia, Bernice and Morella there is some truly beautifully writing. Take for instance:

"Hour after hour, would I linger by her side, and dwell upon the music of her voice" --from Morella

"The character of my beloved, her rare learning, her singular yet placid cast of beauty, and the thrilling and enthralling eloquence of her low musical language, made their way into my heart by so steadily and stealthily progressive, that they had been unnoticed and unknown" --from Ligeia

If you had plucked out those quotes and handed them to me, I would have never in a million years guessed that Poe had penned those words. However,they become sensical when you put them in context with narrations such as:

"During the brightest days of her unparalleled beauty, most surely I had never loved her. In the strange anomaly of my existence, feelings with me, Had never been of the heart, and my passions always were of the mind. Through the gray of the early morning--among the trellised shadows for the forest at noonday--and in the silence of the library at night--she had flitted by my eyes, and I had seen her--not as the living and breathing Bernice, but as the Bernice of a dream; not as being of the earth, earthy, but as the obstraction of such a being; not as a thing to admire, but to analyze; not as an object of love, but as the theme of the most abstruse although desultory speculation. And now-- now I shuddered in her presence, and grew pale at her approach; yet, bitterly lamenting her fallen and desolate condition, I called to mind that she had loved me long, and, in a never moment, I spoke to her of marriage."

The above proves to me that the second set of readings for this week are truly Poe because of the complexity. None of the narrators in those 3 pieces could simply love or love simply and it is within the intricacies of their psychology that we are once again able to see Poe's brilliant mind at work.

In class on Thursday we tackled the subject of "does/can love conquer all," and by no means did this prove to be a question with a simplistic answer. Rather, it has no definite answer at all. Love has the power to overcome someone, on a personal level, without a doubt but "conquering all" is a pretty large-scale designation. Love has an ability to completely consume, which has been very obviously seen with the tale of Ligeia, which is interesting coming from Poe because we usually expect psychological paranoia to overcome his protagonists.

We asked some brutal questions, including is it possible that Ligeia willed her own death...after all she is will personified...and really got into the depths of the reading. It was interesting how almost every member of the classroom had a different take on the reading and responded to the psychological deterioration in a variety of ways. Does Poe speak to our own myriad levels of psychology? I don't think we will every be able to fully comprehend the immortal genius of the man.

We read the classic Poe this week for Tuesdays class and gained new insight to the man on Thursdays class. Who would have thought Poe could enlighten? Though he must be an incredible if the New York Times is willing to grant him the space of an entire page... NYT page